ashweb poetry: anon4

want to escape everything closing in hide it's been building hide under the desk? attract too much attention can't do that i'm a failure i'm a fuckup i'm worthless it's built too much i'm alone everyone will leave me alone anyway nobody will want me what i'm worth i'm worth only for my stability or my perceived stability once that's gone who will want what is this i've felt it before i just hid it it went away in a few days never had a name for it talking to a few people on the group more and more suddenly occurs to me this feeling has a name depression hide hide hide send an email to a friend asking her a quesiton about depression don't even bother to fix the spelling error she says yes that's what it is that's what she feels like every morning every night I wonder how the hell do people survive like this why the hell would someone want to make people survive like this I call a friend a woman I used to go out with she has a masters in psych but no shingle so I can talk to her about it without risking a psych record she says if I feel like this after two more days I should go to a real psych riight. like i'm going to do that. i don't mention i'm starting to think about how to tie a noose she's sounding a little too worried to handle that hide call another friend a little later tell her how i feel silly about this about this feeling when she and my other friend put up with it nearly every day hell is hell she says it doesn't matter how often you're in it when you're in it you're in hell but i still feel silly i tell her that she says she sometimes feels silly about it too that's just another nasty thing about depression take a xanax the hospital gave it to me for heart palpitations half a year ago I still had three left now I have two left it helps a bit go to bed wake up the feeling's diminished but it's still here wonder if it will get worse as the day wears on hide hide wonder how productive i'll be today at work probably not much it's silly to be anonymous the tears form at my desk at work but i'm just not ready for everyone to know how i'm falling apart hide.

	"...I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something that nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older - as you see people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened." -Douglas Coupland