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©1998 S. A. Voisine

It hasn't been very long, but time stands still without him. Each moment drags on for an excruciatingly unbearable eternity. She tells herself that he will return. He said he would, and he will.

'If he would' was not her foremost concern though, it was 'when.'

She hasn't known him for very long, but duration was a negating consideration. A whirlwind of commiserating has enabled two remote strangers to overlook the distance. Each exchange made the miles between them seem to melt away. And along with the miles, for her, a momentary reprieval from her asphyxiating loneliness.

Misgivings regarding whether or not it was wise to take on such a venture has not only crossed her mind, but set up shop, taken residence, and continually troubles her. She does her best to try and ignore those painful notions. It feels *so* good, why is that so terrible? It shouldn't be, in light of the way gratification is sought in this particular instance; quite safe, considering, but her guilt as always, prevails.

That doesn't deter her in the slightest though. Every night, she's there. And imagination is not a dirty word where she is concerned. Especially if she steps outside of herself, if only during those times, to enhance the virtual experience.

Imagination is key to fueling the fire burning within both of them at this point. Never having met in the flesh, one might think it would be impossible to actually have 'feelings' towards someone you merely 'type to.' Words are just letters joined together to form a sentence, aren't they? Meaningless right?

Wrong. The power of words are a funny thing, especially when they're greedily devoured by two ravenous souls in dire need of fulfilling their respective voids. Emotion can be intensified by need, and when all other communication is abandoned, words alone become the touch that distance and circumstances prevent.

She thinks about him, while reading his words, and not, and all to infrequently, allows herself to be taken away from what she knows is real. One of her few indulgences, despite her claim to the contrary.

Her fantasies run the gamut when it comes to him. Something as simple as the imagined feeling of his body pressing against hers as she drifts off to sleep; the thought so comforting, it's often revisited. Right now, comfort and security are what she longs for most. The need to be safe and protected is basic, but once felt, permits those deeply seeded desires to come out of hiding. It's difficult not to feel guilt or shame in your own arousal when fear is overwhelming your conscious thinking. Sometimes however, she manages to get past the fear.

She is unable just yet to retire from her reality permanently, so it's wonderful to have a temporary diversion. But he's so much more than that. The brightly burning fire within her soul has almost been snuffed out, but thanks to his well timed arrival, a flickering spark remains. It's enough to cause an inferno if she lets it.

When it isn't comfort she seeks, it's satisfying the lust she feels. And despite the vain attempts to ignore it, the sensations are immensely powerful. She hasn't yet allowed herself to express her passion in their exchanges; that's a mighty tall wall to scale, but she alludes to the potential conceivability. There's too much emotion involved to cut loose and have at it, but that doesn't stop her from contemplating the possibilities on her own.

His eagerness to go down that road with her is both an invitation, and a warning to her jaded perceptions. In her mind, she couldn't possibly experience both affinities with him. Get real. How can she, a devastatingly damaged, yet compassionate individual find comfort in a friend by way of exchanging heartfelt deliberations; a glimpse into her very essence, and at the same time, be a sensually yearning woman, with needs and desires that scream out for him, the same confidant, to satisfy her in every way?

Such conflicting deliberations create confusion, and doubt. Her inherent belief is that having both just isn't possible. Achieving such duplicity, in any relationship, let alone a text based one, might be synonymous with fulfillment, however it's something she considers impossible to attain for herself, regardless of how fleeting.

To try and have both, in her opinion, would mean losing the friendship aspect. Lust is a more powerful and predominant animal, and the most gratifying and basic need to pacify. It would cloud over the safety and comfort she finds with him, wouldn't it? The idea of having it all, while perfection in it's implications, is impossible in it's execution. Oh how she longs to have it all though.

Instead, she does what her conscience requires and compels her to do: encourage emotional distancing, but not without contrary implications. Then only to herself, give in to the illusionary conceptions that refuse to dissipate.

And the self indulgent delusions continue:

He has warm, strong hands that send shivers throughout her body from the first contact with her skin. The imagined beginning varies, but it always leads to a kiss that makes the world swim out of focus. Intense attention and detail is given to the execution of the kiss. Pleasure obtained from the initial physical connection is extremely important, for it awakens and excites the dormant animal within, and inspires significantly what comes next, and how.

From there, many deviations of her delusion can transpire, but all in the interest of exploration and satisfaction. The part of her body he touches first, depends on the urgency of her need, but it's always in the interest of prolonging the exhilaration. The execution, is determined by her temperament at the time.

If she feels tormented, sorrowful, abandoned; he might envelop her face with gentle fingers, and gaze intently into her eyes to try and convey the sincerity of his affection. Such intense scrutiny would leave her powerless to resist him. Nature would then sweetly take it's course; two frenzied, sexually charged bodies would touch, tease and taste each other, writhing and thrashing their way to an inevitable conclusion. Their ephemeral union would end with mutual, unequivocal release.

If she felt anger, disbelief, doubt; he might use strength to overpower her resistance. He would then discover this strategy excites her to the utmost extent. By forcing upon her the incredible sensations of pleasure and release she feels so undeserving of, despite her protests, he would swiftly and thankfully diminish the fallout of guilt experiencing those feelings would most certainly provoke. The ultimate gratification. She would rebel, either noticeably or not, but inside, she would savor the delirium his insistence demanded of her. Silently she would be grateful for his blatant ignorance of her dissent. His complete control of her body would overwhelm her senses, heightening her ecstasy to extraordinary proportions. She often craves this guiltless conquering, and envisions this scenario the most. And, she would most thankfully, and at his discretion, elicit a similar euphoria from him. She would be more than willing to show her appreciation. He would of course, insist. The entire envisionment, a personification of bliss.

If she felt him to be passive, she might decide to withdraw the option of allowing him a choice in the matter. She would overpower him. She can be subtle, but alluring in her persuasions. Before long, surrendering himself to her desire would be the all encompassing thought prevalent in his mind. He would do whatever she wished to facilitate her fiery need, for he knew, her reciprocation would astound him. She would introduce him to a kind of pleasurable pain he'd come to anticipate, and appreciate. He would relish the rewards as well as the punishments his behavior merited, submitting himself to her control. He wouldn't have a choice.

Such diversity among her varied delusions. All of them special and arousing to her when called upon. She permits these self torturous apparitions because it is all she has to satisfy her need. It is her imagination, not just the fear, that keeps her alive. Without such delusional fabrications, what's left? Sometimes, she tries to convince herself that some people have even less, but without conviction. Nevertheless, she continues to perpetuate her fantasies.

And as always, consumed by an intense longing for his presence, she patiently awaits his return.

Last update: Sunday, March 12, 2000 16:16