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Um this is major rambling, it won't make sense..... don't try to make sense of it.
Tell me why I'm immune to suicide?
Why won't death capture me like it has captured so many of my loved ones?
There's something wrong with me, I don't know what it is, but there is definitly something wrong.
I feel this thought in my head take over me, as so many others have, but this thought is soooo powerful and so rational to me, I let it take over without any fight back.
I sometimes want to die because I think it will make everyone know how serious I was about this.
Maybe it will make my mom raise Zachary with more freedom, and less screams, maybe it will help David become a decent human being, maybe it will let you let go of me in the way you know you need to, maybe it will teach Jonny how fucked up all these drugs actually are, and how much I hate them, maybe Ruby will become more compassionate, maybe I will finally be free about worrying about them.
Usally when I want to kill myself I'll be about to do it, and suddenly I'll think of my brother, growing up without a decent human being to show him open mindedness, or I'll think of Ray.... and how much he'd need me as much as I'd need him, then I think of people who hurt me, and I think it might be revenge if I stayed alive and made something productive of myself.
But no matter what, I do believe I'll be dead within a year... and to say that is just as painful as to actually doing it. I know it's true in my heart, and nobody can convince me anything else. So I guess this is my good-bye I promised you, in case I'm not gonna wake up tomarrow.
-Megan
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