(someone steps up with a flower and a letter)
hey, brian. i havent talked to you in a while..sorry, but sometimes i get so caught up in everything, you know? i mean, i know i place Way too much importance on all thats been happening, but i cant really help it . I Know... that nothing really matters, in the grand scheme of things. but it actually does. to me. so many things mean So much to me but absolutely nothing to anyone else.
so let me tell you whats been going on lately. im fifteen now, getting pretty old. my two best friends are going out with each other. and yesterday, instead of enjoying myself with my other friends, i was sitting at home "babysitting' our 10 year old sister. or maybe 11..it doesnt really, matter, you know? either way, shes old enough to be left alone. so thats why im talking to you, i need to talk to someone, you know? So i am fifteen and my birthday is in exactly 13 weeks. and right now, the parents are allowing me to do absolutely jack shit. its that period right before you get your license thats the worst..i mean, they havent decided to let me ride with my friends yet, but they never seem to be around when i need to go somewhere.. i wouldn't want a ride from them anyway, you know? theyre too protective, thats it, theyre just too damn protective. im sure you went through this exact same thing.. they are very protective.. even though You never had a car wreck or anyt! hing like that...so instead of enjoying myself last night, i did my homework. my homework. on a Fucking friday night.. while my friends were out eating chinese food.
sometimes, i feel so alone, even though im surrounded by people.. but i really Am alone, becasue none of these people actually Care about me. the parents think they do, but actually they are more in love with loving me than they actually are in love with me, you know what i mean?.. i think maybe if you were still around here, you could maybe help me out.. even if you were in college somehwere close by, i could Talk to you.. i could Call you. and not pay thousands on long distance.
i really need someone to talk to. And this shit with my two best friends, i mean, i guess i sort of expected it,but it still surprised the hell out of me..it was so sudden, and i mean, its so awkward now when im around them..the whole chemistry of our friendship has changed completely, you know? and i get so depressed around them., its not because i still like her, no its not that, but because i think its about time for someone to like ME. i need someone, i swear , this would be so much easier if i could talk to someone. god, i wish you were still around here.. i know that eventually ill be just bones in a 6 by 3 box 5 feet under the ground. .and that depresses me too...no matter What i do, no matter how hard i try to make in impact, im still going to end up dead eventually... maybe not so soon, though, but ultimately i will..and nothing that ive done will matter.
you know that saying "this too shall pass?" well, i thought about that.. and people always use it when they're going through bad times. well, it holds true no matter what kind of time youre having...everythings so temporary. so fragile...and when i try to hold on to it, when i try to somehow preserve it, to grab on, to grasp and never let go., and i cling to it, like a life preserver, and i just jumped off the fucking titanic or someting ..it slips through, somehow, it always does. and i open my arms... and see that its gone, and i dont even have the memory to cherish because i was too busy trying to hold on to it.... to enjoy it while it lasted. and theres nothing i can do about it. i need to start living by the moment.. because everytime i look ahead, i get so paralyzed.. its so hard out here, brian..everything's so final.. i love you, and i miss you, brother.. maybe you're in a better place now.
(the speaker drops a flower and the letter onto a grave)
Last update: Saturday, December 09, 2000 17:36