so many roads start from one i seem to stand at every fork waiting there forever watching people ruthlessly go by making their seedy lives better i keep on trying to determine which way is best and in missing out of the rush i struggle to believe patience is a virtue but hear every single person laughing having the fun gripping the moment living for the moment it's silly but i think they take my fun away that i lose it by not experiencing it as they experience it now i guess it doesn't matter everyone does their own thing even me i just have to keep asserting that i'm somehow doing something right even though everyone tells me everything i know is wrong they keep on strictly hitting the back of my head as they go by. "bam, you're stupid." "bam, you don't know how to talk." "bam, you'll never get what you want cause you're stupid and you don't know how to talk." what can i do. i want to be like geenie. there was a nova documentary on pbs that held me. geenie was a girl apparently denied from all social activity by her father. after they discovered her, her father obviouly commited suicide. she was 10 and she didn't know how to speak apparently because she was punished for making noise. of course all the psychologists had silent orgasms because they had her and the ability to discover all these facts by putting her through tests to see if she could learn how to speak even though she was never taught. she looked so beautiful sitting there with nothing to say and everything to think about. i wish i could have done something that would have helped her and not science. i don't know what it is that attracts me to people that are incapable. i can't decide whether it is my hunger for the keeping of innocence or is it i can relate too much to her? what better way to escape punishment than never to speak again.