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do not tell me...

Turmoil seems to be around every corner. Is there a way to escape it? I think not. We live with fear everyday. Do not tell me to think positive. The word has little or no meaning to me now. I am just trying to survive. Or stop surviving.

Can you grasp the need for minute-to-minute survival? I wonder. You all sit in your cozy little chairs in your quiet little minds and wonder what to eat for the day. I, on the other hand, sit in tension all of the time, wondering if now is the time I will go over the edge. Do you sit and look around very little corner to see if that one person is lurking there? Certainly not. People would think you crazy. But what if that lurking person lived inside of you? What if he or she had the force to destroy all that you know and love? Could you sit in your comfy little chair and not worry? I wonder. Yet that is just what you expect all of us to do.

Weariness is a part of every day. The ones on the inside grow stronger. You tell me to fight. What if there is no fight left? Can you not understand weariness? Can you not understand fear for one's self or sanity? No, these things are far from your imagination. But let me tell you these are what I live with every day.

Hope, you say. Have "hope". The word sounds wonderful. I'll even try, but remember please, my war never stops. Some of our people never sleep. I thrive on fear. My fear especially.

Please do not judge, you have not been in my place. You cannot begin to understand the daily fight that must be fought. Don't tell me that I am strong enough to fight, I am weary. Don't look at me and say pull yourself together. My system doesn't work that way.

Don't look at me and say you understand. You can't, you have never fought this battle. Don't tell me to think positive or think of myself as one others do not understand. Please, try to see that I am working the best I can. I do not try to live your life for you, please do not try to live me. You cannot, because I have enough trouble living my own.


Last update: Saturday, January 27, 2001 12:07

"Sometimes I wonder if suicides aren't in fact sad guardians of the meaning of life."
-Vaclav Havel
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