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death by eating

  1. Starve yourself, but not to death. When you can clearly see your ribcage after exhaling, and can nearly put one hand around your femur, then move on to step #2.
  2. EAT! EAT! EAT! Pig out on the richest protein and lipid laden foods you can find. The shock to your system will kill you (hey, it happened to some of the folks at the end of WWII when well-meaning soldiers fed some of the concentration-camp prisoners).

Drawbacks: A very slow method. Interventionists might think you're some anorexia nervosa type and have you forcibly hospitalized. Demise is hardly guaranteed.

Holy Water as a Method

My only experience with handling holy water was in Switzerland. Having lived at sea level essentially all my life i wasn't prepared for the rigors of being at high altitudes and wasn't thinking too clearly at the time.    It was hot, i was lightheaded, and i saw this woman dip her hand into a basin of water outside a church and touch her forehead with it. I thought "what a great idea", and did the same except i smeared it all over my whole forehead instead of dabbing the spot between the eyebrows. Within an hour the skin that was thus moistened broke out into red blotches and hive-like bumps and i was quite impressed to consider what the bacterial count must've been in that basin to cause that reaction that quickly. In a more superstitious era it's likely i would've been branded a demon and executed in the most sadistic method the locals could devise (they have to get out their frustrations somehow after all).

But to get to the point: imagine what would've happened if i had tried to *drink* that stuff. Prolly would have swollen my throat shut and killed me. HENCE, i would like to propose the drinking of holy water as a new method.  Not as sure fire as jumping out in front of a speeding freight train, but still a possibility.

green technology suicide machine

As you may be aware, California has been having problems with power shortages. The problem is such that periodically the power companies shut off power to portions of the state for a few hours at a time. Nothing wrong with that, but it *is* mighty irksome to go to the trouble of filling your bathtub, plugging the toaster into an extra long extension cord and being seconds away from that home-remedy shock treatment you've been planning--only to have to wait 2-3 hours for the power to come back on. By then the water has turned cold and you're too depressed to drain the tub and start again.

A solution, of course, would be to choose a method that doesn't depend on the community power grid. Which is why i propose the following:

First, get yourself a bunch of squirrels. This is a resource that California has in abundance, the population in the north being heaviest around Walnut Creek and in the south there have been fine specimens reported to have come out of Brea, and there's bound to be other areas rich in this natural resource.

Toss the squirrels into a squirrel cage (2 meter diameter minimum please; forcing them to hunch over can adversely affect performance) and dump your weight in peanuts into a giant waring blender. The squirrels, seeing the peanuts through the glass wall of the blender, try to run toward it. A series of gears hooked up to the cage turns the mechanism of the blender which grinds the contents. When this finally forms peanut butter the increased viscosity of the blender's contents strains a turn screw in the series of gears, causing it to snap. The pieces fall, hitting a roadrunner in the head, causing it to run away. A string tied to one of its legs yanks the blender, causing it to tip and spill its contents all over your head. However, the string stops the bird, so it turns and runs in the other direction, and a string tied to the other leg pulls open the door to the squirrel cage. The squirrels pop out and, not being terribly discriminating about what they put in their mouths, bite you to death as they try to eat the peanut butter.


Last update: Friday, January 11, 2002 23:10

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