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01.27.2001, 02.15.2001
All my hiding places are no longer secret
the further I run, the closer I get
I run from the pain, I try to conceal
I put on a face that hides what I feel
I can lie to everyone but not to myself
my love for her cant be put on a shelf
Not an hour goes by without her in my thoughts
and while my heart still beats, the rest of me rots
I cant think of her without thinking of whats gone
no matter how many claim that I can move on
it's been a long time since I felt I wanted to live
since someone returned the love I could give
3 years of happiness, 3 years of crying
a mask of denial, dying and lying
I'm broken and all thats left is to die
everyone says "hang in there" but I don't see why
why should I go on when I feel this way
let me let go, let me fade away
let me say goodbye let me end this hurt
you don't have to remember me when I'm in the dirt
I had my taste of love
my temporary happiness
I envy the dead
because they don't have to feel this
Thursday, December 21, 2000
It's been a year since I was here
yet time's not dried a single tear
I've come a long way since then
all the way back to where I started
and now I cry again
lost and broken-hearted
It wasn't meant to be, I see that now
but I'd give anything if it could be different, somehow.
I don't know who I am now
don't know who I will be
don't know quite how
she fell in love with me
the only thing I can say I've learned
through this eternity of hurt
is that the isolation, the bridges burned
have left me with less than dirt
I don't know where to go from here
don't know how to carry on
when swimming in this pain and fear
the love, the joy, the reason is gone.
So here I stand, or rather, kneel
here I sit and cry
drowning in that which I feel
and I can't even ask why.
I would give anything just to feel
the love I felt before
if I had anything to give, I'd trade it
to not feel this anymore
so now I look around myself
the terrain is unfamiliar
I see it in my memories
along with images of her
All I have left are dreams and tears
and the fullfillment of my greatest fears
the loss of all that I held dear
and now I'm the only one here
except I don't know where here is
I don't know where I've been
after I've played all my cards
what do I do then?
there was a time, not too long ago
when i had more than i will ever know
the love, the caring, the trust
the happiness, my purpose, has all turned to dust
and then there was a time
when it all disappeared
and i'm left with just images
and just what i feared
i truly believed
that it was meant to be
but such good things
are not meant for me
whenever i get close
it all goes away
i had the world
but it didn't stay
I traded it all
for a life of pain
worked so hard to be content
but it was all in vain
i thought that everything
was worth the effort
but through all my trying
i'm left with just hurt
i dont know why they all tell me
that i should go on
when my reason to be
is forever gone
now i'm left with myself
and even that is gone
because it left when she did
but she can move on
the meaning, the purpose
my reason to live
now spits in my face
i gave all i could give
what more could she want
that i didnt do
or was she just lying
when she said "I love you"
is there something I'm missing
something I've yet to see
some purpose for living
when hurting so badly?
I've been loved
I've been wanted
I've been hurt
and betrayed
how I feel
will not heal
is this how
the game is played?
why can't someone tell me
why I must endure this pain
why I must be shown that
any effort will be in vain
I can't find any reason
anything to justify
you have no right to tell me
that it's okay to cry
they tell me not to do it
they say don't give up
it will all be okay, it'll get better someday
but i cant believe it
so im still hanging on
to what I don't know
because of the friends
who wont let me let go
i cant run from myself
i cant hide from how i feel
i cant act like its worth it
these wounds will not heal
I'm glad that she's found someone
with whom she's satisfied
I had found one, but she left,
and part of me died
words cannot explain just how much it hurts
no amount of tears can convey
the feelings that assault me
since I heard her say
that she is happy, she loves him, she wishes he was there
she's glad they're together, I'm dying but does she care?
she tells me that I dont really love her
that she's changed through the years
regardless of that my love perseveres
she means everything in the world to me
I mean nothing to her
and she asks why I'm crying
she asks what is wrong
and then when i tell her
she knew all along
i would trade everything i have
just to go back and hear her say
'I love you, Sean', I would give my life for one day
a day back when she used to tell me she cared
when she'd tell me that if i need her she'd always be there
Michele, I love you, I can't just "get over it"
you are the one person in the world
who ever made living worth it
but alas, she is gone, I'm here, she's moved on
I have never felt pain as deep as I do
I can't let go but I cant make her want me too
November 25, 2000
"Life isn't fair" is the most truthful statement I've heard
and "I love you, Sean" - love's the most painful word -
on one side it's the best, its so beautiful, so good
and on the other, it hurts more than anyone could.
Because when you hurt from love, it's not something you can ignore
love comes from within you, if you run, it will only hurt more
Falling in love with her was the best feeling I'd ever felt
and the loss of her love was the worst blow life has dealt
I've done more crying than I can remember
and through it all I can say I still love her
but I am forced to acknowledge sadly
that she was lying when she said she'd always love me
Did I ever really mean anything to her?
was I really special or was I just another?
another heart broken, another person destroyed
whats more painful, the end, or the means that are employed?
I have made one promise that I have not broken
I promised I would never give up, no matter how badly heartbroken
is it really worth it, to suffer through this
just for the satisfaction of the one who gave me death's kiss?
I don't have the strength to keep getting hurt
I don't need it proven again that I am less than dirt
You dont need to tell me it will all be okay
for I know it's just bullshit, it won't be that way
The last years have proven that that was a lie,
the only way it will get better, is if i die.
I cant stop feeling this, I cant numb the pain
but I can end it, that much is plain.
I don't know if I have the courage or not,
to take my own life (what life?) what strength have I got?
I have nothing thats not borrowed feelings
which come from the friends and the failed healings
When it comes down to it, I have nothing at all,
except pain, sweet pain, endless pain, endless hurt
and the knowledge that it was all for naught, that it was all
from the first moment, destined to end
Well, I can never be sure, as to her intentions
but I can be sure that I don't plan to stay around
if all I'm here for
is to be smashed into the ground
If I suddenly disappear, if my life ended
even if I didn't do it, it was what I intended
I don't know if I will be here tomorrow
but if not, my friends, know i did not mean any sorrow
I dont want you to hurt on my behalf
if I am gone, be happy, that my pain is gone
and please remember me as the person I was
before the pain piled on.
If I am still here, tomorrow and the day after
I will still be your friend, and I will still love her
I won't make any promises, I want to live, but I don't
the best days are behind me, the best memories
of when life was pure and wonderful and I wanted to be there
when I was with her the joy was everywhere
I wanted to be with her for the rest of time
but it wasnt meant to happen, the happiness was wiped away by time
time is the enemy
time makes all that is good worthless
for in a thousand years
no-one will even remember I said this
in a thousand years
my name won't ring a bell
and nobody will know
of my life in this hell
my suffering through this, wont mean a thing
to those who have never heard my crying
to my friends - you have done more for me
than you will ever know, just listening to me
just being around, a shoulder to cry on
is enough to convince me
that i should live on
i wont ask anything
anymore, from anyone
but just dont break a promise,
if you're going to make one.
why wont you let me let go?
The one that I love
has left me behind
how can you tell me
that I will find
another who wants me
another who cares
another who loves me
who will always be there
how am I supposed to trust
when I am so broken
my world abruptly turned to dust
the moment those words were spoken.
but to my suprise
I find a glimmer of light
a sparkle of beauty
in this endless night.
the pain is not gone;
it is still there
but at least now I feel
that I'm getting somewhere
I dont know how
to proceed from here
it's all I can do
to push through the fear
but it's a welcome feeling
to be given some hope
when I was just about
at the end of my rope
Perhaps it is possible
to find someone who
I can hold on to
someone who wants me too.
day after day
I reach a new level of despair
I can't even say
that I really care
I don't have the energy
to do anything but cry
pain is all thats left of me
and nobody can tell me why
the only thing I look forward to
is the day I draw my last breath
i hope it comes soon
serenity in death
being alive has lost all its meaning
or maybe I've found the secret
maybe it never meant anything
and nobody's noticed yet?
if you want to tell me to live
thats all well and good
I suppose I can forgive
since you never understood.
dont tell me you'll miss me
dont say that you care
you lie so obviously
you were never there
maybe I'm dead already
and this is hell
it wouldnt suprise me
theres only one way to tell
everyone tells me
that they dont want me dead
but they dont see
what goes on in my head
walk a mile in my shoes
go ahead, try
and see if you dont agree
that it'd be better to die
-Sean Davis (Dive)
Last update: Tuesday, June 19, 2001 13:51
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