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Crimson
Pale white skin,
Black soul inside
Hidden from view
My time, do I bide.
Time until I can leave
My body at last still
Ending this mortal existence
By my own free will.
Blood, trickling red
Running down a white thigh
Affirmation of life
Even as soul wants to die
Quick flash of silver
Pain in sharp lances
Silent cry of anguish
Quick downward glances
The pain brings release
From the black hole within
I watch as I bleed
I cry as I sin
The shameful despair
The unanswered guilt
Overshadowing the emptiness
Held inside walls that I've built
What will I do
I don't know where to turn
Such a burden to share
Will only concern
Those close to me worry
They see empty sad eyes
I tell them I'm fine
They see through the lies.
But what should I do?
I can't tell them the truth
They'd look back with horror
At this twisted, hurt youth
So I sit silently,
Knowing it's for the best
Watching crimson against white
Until my final rest.
Deaf Angel
The world spins wildly
tilting on its axis as a
glittering array of decadent
indecent
wasteful
colors swirl all around me as I
stand numbly
in the midst of the chaos
seeing, not watching
hearing, not listening
touching, not feeling
far past the point of any sensation.
Stumbling, drunkenly, down a
twisting and askew corridor
with every door the same
and every room holding a
ticking
time-bomb
which I must rush to defuse
while three others explode in its stead.
Head ringing, teeth clenched
slowly losing steam
losing the will to push onward
not caring to defuse the bombs
not even caring they exist
stopping my mad dash down the
corridor to Hell
my own personal torture.
Dropping hints left and right
up and down
sideways, backwards, and headoverheels
hearing them land on thick skulls
with a dull plunk and a kneejerk nod
a promise to help
and a lie with an angel's intent
as the plea falls unregarded
upon deaf ears who listen to all
and who hear nothing
save their own
agenda.
I cry out
painfully
placed upon the Rack and bolted down
with iron fittings
unable to get up
lacking the power to try
moving painfully as the Rack stretches
pulling in every direction
as I try to accommodate
scurrying along like a gutter rat
eyes downcast and hands trembling
seeking desperately to please
seeking desperately the praise
which never comes from
deaf ears' angel lips.
Stretched in infinite ways
unnaturally
able to move in only one
yet trying to defy the fates
defy the gods above
and move in every direction
pulled at once.
Failure is a given
but why should a given be
accepted
or
acceptable.
It is not made an option
a choice
for I am expected to succeed in all ways
to move in every way stretched
to soar effortlessly
or at least, for looks' sake,
apparently effortlessly.
Yet how can a swan fly if it is being at the same time
tied and pulled underwater.
How does the cheetah blur past
if it is being made to run backwards
and forwards at once
ending up
not moving from the starting block.
It catches up in the end
takes its toll
this endlessly painful stretching.
Stealing from the body the will to move
to breathe
to so much as care
for caring takes effort
effort requires energy
and none of it is there
when efforts have proved so fruitless
the cheetah standing still when two sides
both expect it to succeed
and neither side cares about the other.
One decision to make
one path to take
and eventually another may meet up.
But how to go about getting off the Rack
telling the deaf angel that failure exists
and has been
met
face to face.
I must choose.
Meet with failure, and open my soul
show the failure and accept
scrutiny.
Painful
required.
One choice.
I know the choice.
But do I know the road to get there?
Roller Coaster from Hell
Welcome to the roller coaster from Hell. We hope you enjoy your ride with us today.
Please buckle your safety strap, located behind your head, across your eyes. It prevents you from noticing the world as it spins out of control.
Leg shackles can be found at your feet. Fasten them across your ankles to prevent any willful movements, which may cause the ride to stop.
Similar restraints can be found at the wrists. Tighten them to the point of loss of blood flow, numbing extremities to the extreme changes in temperature.
Persons experiencing healthy relationships should not board unless accompanied by significant other, so that both may experience ride to hell together.
As we reach the peak, please exit the coaster. We assume no responsibility for damages caused by the sheer drop to the ground.
During the drop to the ground, please grab all family members and/or friends that you may encounter on the way and drag them down with you.
Take time you clean up the mess left at the bottom as you stumble bloodied to your feet. No one else is responsible for helping you to undo what has been done, and most will no longer speak to you.
At the bottom of the coaster you will find a wooden cart waiting to take you back to the top at blinding speed. On the way up, enjoy all that you pass and view the world from the slanted angle provided by your position. Make sure to tell everyone you come into contact with just what you are experiencing, regardless of his or her wont to listen.
As you prepare to disembark from the coaster this time at its peak, please remember to attach your complimentary weighted shackles to your head, back, wrists, and feet. They will assist you in your work at the bottom, should you reach it alive. Head restraints will add the necessary weight to cause headaches and make it ten times harder to lift your head from bed each morning. Back weights will give you the necessary sloth movements and slouched position, along with feet shackles. Please also accept our gift of weighted wristbands, to keep you from performing daily tasks easily.
Thank you again for joining us on the roller coaster from Hell. You will return again soon.
Mea Culpa
mea culpa.
it's my fault.
my fault for the
hurt
shame.
different is
bad
and i am different.
i don't know how
or why
but it's not their fault, is it?
so it must be mine
what did i do wrong
that caused this pain
this aching and embarrassment
that never fades
that i can't even talk about
tell someone about
without feeling ashamed?
acne
intelligence
attitude
looks
everything
i was teased on
asking questions
scoring well
trying
tried so hard
every day
tried
no use
no one cared
thwarted attempts
at friendship
maybe i don't know
how to be a friend
maybe i don't know
how to talk
palms sweaty
trembling
scared
terrified
of being
approached by
someone
having to talk
what if i do something wrong
what if i embarrass myself
what if they tease me
what will i do
help
what will i do
everyone who comes close
hurts
changes
mean
tease
touch is close
bad
hurts inside
in the end
online is safe
no one sees my terror
no on can hurt
touch
come close
target and gang up
tease
look
i can leave
shut off
never happen again
can't hurt
if they can't see
if they can't get pleasure
from watching me fumble
drop the ball
i tried to laugh it off
shrug it off
ignore
but it was a knife
cutting through my soul
aiming at my heart
but i was smart
i had walls
only the hurt got through
but they couldn't come close
couldn't knife me unsuspecting again
i knew what to expect
why do you think i tried
what i did
before school started this year
people are bad
kids are worst
mean hateful hurting
cry inside
not out
can't show
tears
only feeds their joy
sadistic joy
i hate them
for being what they were
horrible
mean
hurtful
spiteful
sadistic
cruel
terrifying
maybe they just told the truth
and i am ugly
too smart
stuck up
i don't know
i am embarrassed
to have been told these things
to share them
scared to be rejected
again
i thought these people were friends
mean turned on me
mea culpa.
You Laughed
I hate you for what you did
Not "I hate what you did."
I hate you for what you did.
You knew me, knew my weak points
knew how and
by who.
But you convinced me
with your soothing promises
and whispered words
that you could help
you convinced me to bare my soul
in tiny portions
for I do not trust.
I do so, sharing painfully
as it is not my way
And I am rewarded with the same
which I have come to expect -
mocking, cackling laughter that haunts me
nights as I toss and turn in bed
Laughter that hurts, not heals
that rubs salt into open wounds
and leaves injuries to fester in the soul
nourished by the remembrance of the
humiliation and
betrayal.
I trusted,
was foolish enough to believe in you.
You helped me, proved me right
in teaching me that none can be trusted
with the secrets of the soul.
The offering was one that was so deeply personal
I did not send it for over a week, unsure if I was
ready to bare
my soul.
It was my way of externalizing the pain, of being able to
express it physically and lasting. So I cut, deep and long
and immortalized the moment. Even after the external scars have long
healed,
the scars inside will still be healing, the wounds still festering in my
spirit.
And this image will be there, reminding that the pain is real
the feelings are real
It is real.
And I offered this image to you, this deeply personal picture
of my spirit
And you laughed.
Colors
Snap out of it you say
but you do not understand
how I try.
Flooding my bear at night with salty sorrow
twisting my pillow
into impossible knots
trying to understand
why.
Why do I feel this way
what have I done?
Why am I so burdened
by sadness?
Was I a bad person?
Did I do wrong?
What must I do to be able to release
that which I do not know
I hold onto?
Do you think me weak willed?
Do you think I do not try?
Maybe that I am selfish
seeking the pity of others.
But you do not see my secret tears
the torment which tears my soul to shreds
nightly
in the quiet hours of the day
always haunting
though never in reach.
I do try.
I do not want to feel lost
and alone
afraid
scared
overwhelmed by sadness
with nowhere to turn
no one who can understand.
I cannot just snap out of it
I wish you could see this.
I wish you would come to me
and tell me that it is ok.
That you love me
and that nothing will happen.
But you can't.
I'm not loveable
I've been turned away.
The doctors who won't see me
The hopes I can spend time with loved ones
soon dashed by bad news
I am less important
but I can not say this
it would be taken wrongly.
Friends I suddenly feel like a burden to
I am sorry
I do not know how to be a friend I guess.
Do you not think I want
to just make a decision
to release all my cares
and have no more pain?
Is my pain less real
than that of a broken leg?
Are my tears
less worthy
than those of a child
with a scuffed knee?
Why do you turn me away?
A pile of a thousand mournful good-byes
repentance for a hundred misdeeds
torment for everyone I've ever hurt
all weigh on my shoulders
growing heavier by the day
though I do not know why.
I can not tell you the reasons
that I can not release everything.
I can not point to wrongs that I have done
things I've missed or lost
that cause this pain to me
or what teary good-byes
plague my memories
refusing to move on.
I do not know
but you do not understand this
for in your mind
there is a reason for everything.
I can not snap out of it.
I am sorry.
I wish I could.
Oh how I wish I could.
Colors
Fear of what I see encompasses me
surrounds me with its icy fingers
reaching to chill my soul.
The open wounds of my soul
desperately trying to mend
not knowing how
under the black veil of my heart.
Trapped am I
not knowing where to turn
what to do
where to go
how to express
the bleakness I feel.
Dark are my words
scaring me to read
what I write with unbridled emotion
tears running down my face
staining my skin
and cleansing my soul
with their salty tang.
Hope appears sometimes
a bright pinprick of light
through the old steadfast walls
built around me.
It disappears with the wind
leaving me confused.
Was it here?
Or was it just my imagination
seeking to find a reason to live
when my soul wants to curl up and die.
I do not know yellow.
The yellow of smiling faces
of bright daisies on a warmed hill at dawn
of a golden sun set against a sapphire sky.
I know navy
of sorrow and despair
Red
of anger and torment
Black
of hopelessness and nothing
of comfort and shadowy nooks.
I hide in the colors familiar to me
seeking refuge in their familiarity
blinded by the yellows of the world
unable to comprehend the joy
backing slowly from the confusion.
Heartless people
around me
invading
I hate
and I hate the feeling
hating them
seeing red.
Night falls
the sky turning dark
and my spirits as well
no hope lies in the night air
only confusion and worry
tears
with no one to see
no one allowed to see
gazing out to stare
at a canvas of navy.
Wrapped in a veil of comfort
of familiarity
of the deepest ebony
clinging like a lost child
feeling like a lost soul.
I wish I could see the yellows.
-CL
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